Two weeks to go!!

Man alive, I cannot believe that in this time in 2 weeks I will be going to sleep in Brisbane knowing that the next day I will be flying to London - ok I probably won't be able to sleep from the excitment but you know what I mean.

It really is amazing to me - I can't describe it any other way, but amazing. I think because its been such a long time coming and now for it to be in just 15 sleeps, just doesn't seem real at all.

I have so much planned and now my concern is that I won't get to do everything or that I will be too tired or something. I don't know. I just want to be able to get out there and do things & be a tourist.... Its so freakin exciting!!!

Still doesn't seem real

I arrived in Christchurch on Wednesday 1st September to prepare for my mother's 80th birthday on Saturday 4th September. The rest of the family was also beginning to arrive - we had about 40 family members in town for the celebration and were planning a lovely afternoon tea for mum - complete with cucumber sandwiches & scones with jam & cream... Little did we know going to sleep on Friday night after trying on party clothes that out plans out be changed - not just a little, but completely and utter changed.

4:36am 4th September 2010 - we were awakened by a 7.1 earthquake - one of the biggest quakes to hit NZ. Definitely one of the biggest to hit a major centre. It was certianly one of the scariest moments I have ever experienced. I think that the fact that I was with family certainly helped a lot. Probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done however was jumping in the car and going to check on my mother at 4.50am - I had no idea what the roads were like but I just needed to get there... it was very bizarre however to see all the cars coming in the opposite direction - might have had something to do with the fact that I was going towards the beach and they were coming from it...but at 5am you don't really expect to see about 250 cars coming at you one after the other!

Luckily, apart from minor house damage, all the family in Christchurch is safe and sound. There has been so much damage but for them to all be ok is awesome. Sadly tho the aftershocks are still coming and causing some concern as the weaken already weakened buildings. Some of central Christchurch is beyond repair - meaning a lot of the older buildings cannot be fixed and are now being completely destroyed for safety reasons.

Its hard to think of Christchurch ever being the same again - there will be a pre-earthquake and post-earthquake Christchurch. I know that the people of Chch will survive because NZlders are those kind of people. Still its hard to see a lot of those places that I grew up around or worked near have now gone or are as good as. Its a very sad moment for a very beautiful city.

We ended up having just having a family thing at my brothers farm - we all went different ways because some of the roads were not opened - I think thats one of the hardest things. You go along your normal life and then realise something is out of whack when you turn the corner onto a road you have driven down hundreds of times just to find it closed or to find a building you use to frequent a lot is now damaged... it puts a lot of things into perspective.

The shops down the road from my nephew - Corner Edgeware Rd & Barbadoes St

Brooke, Aimee & Taylor standing on Avonside Dr - opposite to where my parents use to live

Church down the road from my nephews - Edgeware Road

The dairy I use to frequent - usually on my way to work on a Saturday

I am not one to use the word 'surreal' (thank you Adam Hills!), but the 24 hours that followed were some of the most surreal of my life. You felt like what had happened wasn't quite real and you kept asking yourself and those around you whether or not it did actually happen & you didn't dream it. I will certainly never forget the feeling when I realised what was going on. I am so thankful that 1) my family were all ok and their houses were pretty much all ok & 2) there were actually no fatalities. As much as it is sad that we have lost some amazing buildings & homes - you can always rebuild those. People - not so much!

Ekka Photos

So I figure I should be showcasing more of my work here... you know - just get it out there that I take photos... hehe - just in case there are people out there who didn't know!Went and took some photos at the Ekka on Wednesday night - Ekka is like the A&P show - country comes to town... that sort of thing. Its a complete rip off but people still go every single day, every single year! I have manged to get a couple of amazing shots from Ekka over the years.

I first went in 2007 - luckily one of the girls I work with has a lifetime pass, which means she can get you in for free! Handy when its like about $22 just to walk through the door.... so anyhoo, I went along to take some photos, little did I know I would take the photo that I guess confirmed to me that I might just have some talent in this photography gig:

The Shot!
I absolutely still love this photo! It is seriously one of the best photos I have ever taken. I went along to Ekka specifically to take this photo, I had seen a similar one on a another photographers website and that was all the inspiration I needed really. I edited the original photo a little - basically just enhancing the colours etc. Even now tho I don't think I would edit it any differently. This is the photo I wanted to take and I was so excited when I came out how I pictured it - because that NEVER happens!!! As a photographer (or as I call myself, a person who takes photos), sometimes you can plan for the shot you want and can spend hours somewhere but not get anything remotely close to perfection - this to me is so close to the point of perfection.

I know there are professional people out there who will say - there is too much noise or its not edited the best... but I don't really care to be honest. All along I have never professed that I take photos for anyone else, I take photos for me and I edit them for me - if other people like them then that is just a bonus.

Here is another one from that year. This one is handheld (the first photo was on a tripod) & you can tell as its a bit blurry in places, but I still like it - I was rather impressed with myself when I was looking through these photos.... those photos were taken with a Fuji Film 5600 digital camera.

And now on to 2010 - I didn't go in this year, instead I went to the Royal Brisbane Hospital carpark, which is located across from what they call Sideshow Alley - bascially where most of the rides are located. I headed there about 7:30pm because the fireworks were meant to start at 8:10pm.. I kind of knew I wouldn't be the only person up there - there was a group of ladies up there all set up with their tripods & cameras - they even had a catering lady!! It was actually quite good because the fireworks were 50 minutes late (!!!!) so it was nice to have people to chat to.... anyhoo, because I was only in one vantage point I didn't really get to see too many different things, so didn't have as much variety - but still, I am quite happy with what came out - these photos were taken with a Nikon D60 DSLR camera.

This is one of my favourites - the actual photo is of the whole ferris wheel & fireworks, but I just cropped it down so it took kind of a snapshot of part of the whole photo.. I really like how this focus' on so much but so little at the same time.

This is of the view I had and was taken before the fireworks started.

This one has to be my favourite - its not about the photo because it was an ok photo, its more about the edited version. I think that as the years have passed I have become more daring in my editing style and I do think that at the moment for me, I have more fun in the editing of photos than the actual taking of photos. Thats not to say I don't enjoy taking photos, but I have kind of lost my way I guess and I am not as confident as I once was - which is silly because I think I am more successful now than I ever was.

Holy Guacamole Batman!

Can you believe it!?!?!?!?!? Now only 84 sleeps to go! Time is going so quickly.

And only 24 sleeps till I go home to Chch for my mummys 80's birthday! We are also having a family reunion too - looks like everyone but Laura will be there. Massive day coming up!! We are having an afternoon tea for her, I can't wait! It will be a really lovely day I think.

Then the UK!! Wow, coming up so quickly.. I am getting a little anxious - you always get so excited about a trip and then it comes and somehow it doesn't live up to your expectations, then its over before you know it... I am really trying not to have a lot of expectations but I think because I have never been there, its easier not to have great expectations....

So the plans - they have changed a bit since the last time I wrote about them

31/10/10 - 10/11/10 - London
10/11/10 - 16/11/10 - Exeter, Devon
16/11/10 - 17/11/10 - Christchurch, Dorset
17/11/10 - 18/11/10 - London
18/11/10 - 21/11/10 - Paris

Woohoo.... not long now :)

101 sleeps

Wow - its hard to believe that it has come down to 101 sleeps, 7 pays!! 15 weeks on Saturday!!! My sister & I will be winging our way to London! I can't believe that its taken so long and now its just around the corner.

So much still to do and organise but so little time to get things done. Still have to get the tickets, insurance, pay for certain tours... its just too much really.. but it will all be worth in the long run...

Getting very, very excited about it all. Can't wait to get over there and start exploring the place. St Pauls, Tower Bridge, Westminster Abbey, Kensington Palace, Windsor Castle... So very, very exciting.

My Hero

This is a story about a man... my hero... my dad

John Goldsworthy was born on 1 May 1924 - before the Great Depression, before WWII, before Sir Edmund Hilary conquered Mt Everest, Queen Elizabeth II was crowned, before TV, and before man walked on the moon.

He joined the Royal New Zealand Navy like so many at the time by lying about his age and served for over 30 years, active in WWII and the Korean War. He was also on scene helping during the Ballantynes Fire in November 1947. He was a member of the Masonic Lodge and served as an engineer on the Lyttelton Tug. He worked at Royal Insurance for about 20 years when he retired from the navy. He volunteered at a lot of places after he retired - most notably for the Police kiosk at Eastgate Mall and Seniornet - which he ended up running also.

He died on 23 February 2008, aged 83.

His greatest legacy was the family he had with my Mum, Anne Goldsworthy - 8 children, 14 grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren. Mum & Dad were married for nearly 52 years and we had celebrated their 50th Anniversary with a family weekend in early April 2006.

To me he was my dad... he was tough on me when I was a kid, sometimes I thought he was too tough!! We didn't always get on - in fact I think it's save to say we really had our problems. At the end of the day though, he was my dad. Things got better when I moved to Australia.. haha - not sure why. After that I would make an effort to go home for his birthday - even if I did use rugby as an excuse more than once. I always felt bad because I would always make a special effort to go home for his birthday (I missed 1 year since I had moved to Aussie), but I didn't for my mum's birthday - she and I both know though that I am and always will be a Daddy's Girl.

Since I moved to Australia my relationship with my dad got really close. After a family trip to Vietnam which my father couldn't attended, I made the effort to contact him more - this ended up being one of the lasting memories I have of my father. Every Saturday morning I would ring and we would speak for an hour or more about anything really - usually about the silly Australians, but he would tell me about his week and I would tell him about mine. It was such a ritual that he would actually answer the phone "Hello Sarah".. we would take another 10 or so minutes to say goodbye.. haha.... He would tell me that I didn't have to ring, but if I was a little late he would ask why. This is a ritual I now have with my mother :)

I tried to go home as much as I could in 2007 - I didn't know it was going to be the last year.. if I had would I have changed anything? I really can't answer that. I think its good that I didn't know - you can't control time. Dad's health had been slowly going down hill after a couple of strokes - one of which had left him with his right arm being of no use to him.. he was right handed so lost his ability to write and also couldn't drive... but did he let that stop him!!! He learnt to write with his left hand and he ended up getting his licence back after a lot of rehab. My dad wasn't one to sit back and let the winter of his life go by!! He learnt to use a computer by enrolling at Seniornet (a computer learning facility for seniors) and quickly became an invaluable member of the team there - going from fire warden to actually running the show - this was all in his late 70's - early 80's. My dad even got to the point where he was transferring his significant LP collection onto CD via the computer!! I can't even do that. He amazed me all the time with his abilities (even when it was frustrating to watch sometimes!!) but he did it all.

The last time I saw him was in January 2008. I had basically spent about 4 weeks in NZ, in Christchurch and travelling around the South Island. In that time my parents had sold the house that they had lived in for over 40 years - the house that I grew up in and had a lot of memories from. It was time for them to move on though - the house was too big for them to maintain and they needed to downsize. It was hard watching my parents throwing out and giving away a lot of those memories and a lot of history. I remember that moving day so well... the movers got there and we had assumed that they would do all the packing, unfortunately that wasn't the case. My niece Emma was there and so Kate, David's girlfriend (now wife) and we basically just got too it... sent Chris to his work to get newspapers and boxes and we worked so hard to get everything done.. Robert turned up at some stage too... we managed to get everything packed. Dad & I went to the lawyers to get the key and just the two of us went to the house to open it ready for the movers to come... We got there - dad asked what I thought as I went in and in all honesty I said it was home! I just felt right, it felt like their house - which was strange because I always thought of Avonside Drive as home... The movers came and the first things I got done were dad's pc & internet and the tv with Sky. He sat down in his chair and with boxes surrounding him watched tv... a lasting memory for me.

A couple weeks later I am talking to him on the phone in our normal weekly ritual and he told me that with the sale of the house there was enough money to buy mum a new car and to prepay their funerals.. my response: "Oh, so its actually happening then?" He responded as only my dad could: "Yes, but I have turned down a state funeral"... little did I know that exactly two weeks later I would get the phone call that changed my life.

5.15am 23rd February 2008 - just as I was thinking I would ring, NZ was 3 hrs ahead and my sister was there so I thought they would be up.. the phone rings and it is my sister telling me that my dad had passed away. I remember just going straight into shock and not really knowing what to say or do... she said that he went out as he would have wanted - bagging the dancers on So You Think You Can Dance Australia and then passing away in his sleep..

The hours that followed that phone call were the most surreal of my life (usually I have a problem with the word surreal but in this instance it was quite apt). I rang my niece and we had a bizarre conversation about that fact that she was going to a garage sale... the whole time I am thinking "I must charge my iPod for the train". I will never forget the uselessness I felt in the 3 days that followed while we were arranging to go home. I wanted to be in NZ with mum and one thing I regret is not getting on a plane that day. I think the shock stayed with me for two weeks... the funeral - despite dad turning down a state funeral was a very large affair - navy personnel, Returned Servicemen Association, friends and family (all 8 kids were there - 1st time in 27 years we had all been together!) from all over the country - over 200 people in all attended. He didn't want anyone to speak but it was decided that those he loved the most would speak - his grandkids... most of them talked about how dad would give them alcohol, there were jellybeans on the flag draped coffin and the Grand Old Duke of York was sung. We put poppies on his coffin and his six sons carried his coffin out to The Last Post...

This time of year is hard for me since he passed... ANZAC Day because the only ANZAC Day Parade I ever went to was with my dad and also because I can't here The Last Post without seeing that image of my brothers with dad's coffin; 1st May because it's my dad'd birthday - I aways made a big deal about it so now its hard to know what to do with myself.

It's hard to put into words how great a man my dad was... he was my dad, my teacher, my discipliner, he was my hero - there will never be another like him.

It's not my fault

I am an emotional person - I can't help it, its who I am. When I need to talk about something important it doesn't help that I am upset and the person I am talking to changes the subject... do you know how that makes me feel - its makes me feel like my feelings mean nothing and that what I am going through is not something that should even register with the other person.

I know they probably don't really want to talk about the situation either but how am I mean to move on when I just can't let go of the past because no one is letting talk through it. Everyone is different and I need to know that people understand how I am feeling and that this is not a very good time of the year for me.

Unfortunately everyone seems to be caught up in their own lives and don't see what is going on with other people. Sometimes I really feel worthless and that I don't even matter.