Sometimes I wonder if any of it is worth it in the end and why I am bothering now... no this isn't a cry for help, it is a statement of fact.
Case in point - Me... I have no partner, no children, no pets, no house, nothing really that stands out to say "Here I am, this is MINE". It is a pretty depressing thing to realise that you are nearly 40 and you are one of the only one of your friends that is currently single. I'm talking close friends - not the friends you have on Facebook or similar because you know someone in common or knew them way back when. But those close friends that you would tell anything to - or pretty much anything.
Maybe I am going through a midlife crisis.. with my 40th looming faster than a speeding bullet, it stands to reason that I would start questioning my own existence... The problem is that when I look at myself in the mirror and ask "What do you have to show for yourself?" the answer is not much of anything.
Don't worry, I am not going to hurl myself off the nearest bridge because I am sad with what my life has turned out to be so far. Firstly the Thistle Street Bridge isn't that high and I would end up just breaking something as opposed to doing away with myself - then I would have to add the fact that I can't even kill myself to the growing list of things that I haven't accomplished in my life. Secondly am I really that selfish that I would do something like that to my mum?!?!? No!!!!
I know that when I look at my life it seems like I don't have much - but in actuality I have a lot! I have a roof over my head, I have a pretty good paying job, I have never gone hungry, I have never missed paying my rent, I travel pretty much wherever I want and I don't have to answer to anyone about it.. but the most important thing? I have control of the remote control! No.. but seriously. I have a lot in my life that I can be and am grateful for, but I do sometimes look and see that the grass might be greener over there. I mean, doesn't everyone at some point
So in closing - just so everyone is clear... this is a care of the "poor me's" not a case of "I am going to do away with myself"... I might be selfish in some respects but I would not put my friends and family through the anguish of not knowing why.
Midlife crisis?? Maybe I should just buy myself a shiny red convertible instead!
Over & out... but not for good :)
