I am not entirely sure what is going on in this head of mine. I have so many things that I am worrying about right now and I am not sure which one is the most important - or should be the most important!!! Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that Monday is the first anniversary of my dad passing away - you know its funny, I can say "dad died" but I find it hard to actually type those words. The last twelve months have been some of the hardest I have had to deal with. I mean life goes on but you think about your parents passing away you think that life is over and how could you possibly carry on - well I did anyway. But no... you still have to go to work, pay the bills, talk to people - life doesn't stop because one person is no longer with us.... its just carries on and you have to carry on with it.

I am not sure if its coz I feel like a certain person is drifting away from me. Its been hard, she has been in a bad time of her life too but somehow I just feel like she is avoiding me and I am not really sure why. Of course I can't ask her coz she will deny it but its just a feeling I have.

It could be because my landlords are putting the place on the market and I am scared where that leaves me. Yes someone might come in and take over my tenancy but at the same time, they might not and I will have find somewhere else to live - which leads me into the whole "should I stay or should I go" saga. I am conflicted as to whether I should stay in Brisbane or follow my heart and move back to NZ. Its a really hard decision. I mean yes I have a good job here that is pretty well paid for what I do but you know what - money is not everything and right now I think I need real friends around me than a lot more money than I would get in NZ. Yes I have "friends" here - but they aren't real friends... its hard to have real friends in a place of over 1,000,000 people and you don't have a car. Sometimes I just want to go home coz Ithink its gonna be a lot simpler.

Or maybe is coz at the moment I dread coming home coz the toddler upstairs seems to do nothing but scream & cry... its really driving me insane.. sometimes I want to march up the stairs and just yell "WOULD YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY KID UP!!!!!!!!!!!" Haha.. man its just as well I don't have kids... oh and also they have wooden floors up there so every time I can here her running, throwing stuff on the ground. Sometimes it sounds like she has a brick and just drops it over and over and over and over and over again... if you get my drift!

Or it could be that I am just so jaded that I just need a real holiday... not something that I am going home for, not going home at all actually... I just want to get away for a couple of weeks and be away from everything and everyone...

Yes well thats real likely to happen anytime now!!!!

It's been a while

So, here we are..... again.

Right well what has happened since I last wrote - given that it was 2 years ago.. hmm quite a lot...
in no particular order:

1) lost my father -
This was the man that meant the most to me in the world and even tho i knew he would pass away one day, nothing prepares you for that loss of a parent. I was pretty close to my dad in the end, I spent all of 2007 ringing him EVERY single Saturday (well obviously apart from the ones where I was actually there!!!) and just chatting... don't ask what we talked about because I have no idea... I do know that I will never forget those days and I have no regrets about making the decision to do that.

I miss him every single - its coming up to the first anniversay in a week and I still do not know how I got through this last year. Everyone says the first of everything without them is hard, I thought that his birthday would be the hardest given that I would go home for it every year - so say happy birthday and take in a rugby game.. haha. I actually go through that ok - i took the day off work and went to the Brisbane Martime Musuem with a photo of him.. why there - coz he was in the NZ Navy for about 30 years and i thought he would enjoyed it. Then I went and had lunch and a glass of NZ wine in his honour. So yeah his birthday was different but I had fun... the worse day of the year so far... was by far Fathers Day. A friend who has also lost her father said its because its in your face all the time.... everyone is saying "get this for your father"... she says.. "well some people don't have dads!!" So Fathers Day was really hard...

I am going home next weekend coz its the first anniversary. I really don't know how I will be... its kind of a hard thing to predict when it hits you... over the last year i have burst into tears countless times... I really do try to do it at home when I am by myself but sometimes, just sometimes it comes out at work - I feel really guilty sometimes... guilty coz i am crying and he wouldn't want that, guilty coz i don't cry as much as i think i should, and guilty coz i am living my life!!!! I think losing a parent really hits you so much harder than you can ever prepare yourself for. Its not something I would wish anyone to go thru - even tho its gonna happen to us at least twice in our lives!!!

My dad was a great man, he was funny, opinionated, loving, caring, stubborn and really the most awesome guy you could ever want to know. I love him so much and miss him even more.. i know he will forever be a part of me but what i wouldn't give for just one more moment with him... to hear him speak again, or laugh again or just to sit with... i know i will never get it back but i am so grateful for the 35 years i did have with him... even if we didn't see eye to eye for about 30 of them.... hahahahahaha

Love you daddy!!!

2) fell in real love for the first time and screwed up one of the best friendships i had in the process. I have written about this in other places and still don't understand what happened. We were mates for ages and then i fell in love with him even tho i knew he was with someone else. A lot of things happened that made me think he felt the same way... in the end i told him how i felt and i have spent the last year trying to get our friendship back on track.. We are getting there but it will never be the same as before... i guess thats just one of lifes little lessons.

3) quit my job and then went back... i don't really know what to even say about this... i had a moment of insanity... i went to another job for 6 weeks and it didn't work out so i asked if i could go back to work and they said yes... i still haven't decided if i regret it or not!! The jury is still out on that one.

I think the last 2 years have been defined by my relationship with my dad... 2007 was my time to i guess reconnect with him in a big way, 2008 was my time to mourn the awesome man that he was....