No Regrets... They Don't Work

Have to admit.. No Regrets is not my favourite Robbie Williams song, but he has it right... Regrets just don't work.

I mean you can't go back and change the thing you regret doing or not doing so what's the point of worrying about it or even thinking about it again.  What's done is done and nothing is going to change that...

Ok so sometimes you can change some things... like for example, I now regret not going to the Empire State Building when I was in NYC last year.  That's ok because I know I will go to NYC again and I will be able to go the Empire State Building then... no biggie...

But I can't change the fact that I wish I had spent more time with my dad before he died.  Oh how I wish I could change that period of my life but I can't and I have to live with that now.  There is no point worrying about it, I know my dad loved me and he knew that I loved him and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

I don't regret for one second jumping on that plane nearly 4 weeks ago and flying home so see my sick mother... I know that if I didn't and the outcome wasn't as good as it was then I would regret THAT decision more!  People tried to tell me not to go, "there's nothing you can do" was a common comment... you know what tho, I felt so much better for being there for two weeks and watching my mum get stronger every day.. I learnt in that time that my mum is seriously one of the most inspirational people on the planet!  She is strong and resilient and I wish I was more like her... a lot of people who were in her situation would have given up but she didn't and she is proving every day that if you believe in yourself, then you will get there.

Your life is defined by the choices you make.. sure along the way you will make the wrong choices but hey, that's what being human is all about.  If everything went perfect every time, you wouldn't have the experience to know a bad decision when it happened.  Gut feelings are a powerful thing, but you gotta be listening to your gut in order to follow it.

Yes, sure I have LOTS of regrets... I regret not doing better in school, I regret I didn't lose weight when I was younger, I regret not going to the UK in my twenties.. one thing I don't regret is moving to Australia - I know some people might think differently because of my recent comments but I have enjoyed my time here and I have made some amazing friends who will friends for life no matter where we are in the world.  My relationship with both my parents grew considerably because of this move and I know that when I go home in a years & half time that I will be a different person, a stronger person.  I could never regret that...

I also do not regret my decision to leave Australia.  I knew from the moment I arrived in Brisbane that I was never going to be here for the rest of my life.  I always knew that I would end up back in Christchurch and even though over the years it has been harder & harder to leave when I go home to visit and there have been times such as my father's death, the Chch quakes and my mothers health that have made me want to go back sooner and I glad with my decision to go back next year.

Someone I respect a lot once said to me "Don't make emotional decisions" and I have held true to that... it would be easy to go home earlier but I have a plan and I need to hold fast to that plan because if I don't... I might regret it....

I definitely believe that things happen for a reason, sometimes the reason doesn't just jump up and smack you in the face; sometimes it's more of a subtle nudge but there is always a reason - for all the good & bad that happens! You just have to believe that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, that reason will show itself and you will be "Oh of course!!!!!  It all makes perfect sense now!"

Don't regret the decisions you made.. they have led you to where you are right now, which is exactly where you are meant to be.

I wish...

I love writing and taking photos and always thought my perfect job would be travel writer & photographer.  But now I see that it wouldn't work... 3 things are wrong with that dream:

1)  I can't write... I mean I can write but I don't think I can write well.  I don't think I have the talent to draw people into my writing that some people have.  I don't use the right words sometimes and I abbreviate when I shouldn't but that's just who I am.  I was told once that I write the same way I talk - not sure if it was a compliment or not.. haha.  I try to get my point across with writing but I think you lose something, especially when you have never met the person whose writing you are reading.  Anyhoo... I don't think I could write for a living because I don't think I have the talent for it.

2)  I know people out there would say I am a good photographer... well here's the rub... I am not a photographer, I just happen to be a person who takes photos.  Sometimes it works but most of the time it doesn't!  Thankfully because of this digital age I can take 200 photos and I might be lucky to get two decent ones out of it.  I see a lot of errors with my photos, like the composition being off - too be honest I don't even know what composition is... haha.  I guess I am lucky with my photography... actually most of my "really good" photos are actually flukes!  Also I think that taking photos has a kind of a big amount pressure added to it.. I mean with writing if you get it wrong, you can edit it but with photos once you have taken it, that's it... no more!  I mean you can edit it somewhat but at the end of the day you are still going to have the photo you have taken.  I don't think I could stand up to that kind of pressure.

3)  Now travel... in all honesty I have not been that many places around the world. Yes I have traveled throughout NZ and some places in Australia but I have actually only been to 4 other countries - Vietnam, which I didn't really like and can't see myself going back to; UK and that was only to London and the South West - Loved it but need to go back for more; France - well 3 days in Paris isn't probably the best testament to actually saying I visited France; and the US - again only a couple of places so can't really gauge the country on the 4 places I went..   Also I require a certain amount of comfort when travelling... such as - no hostels for me!!  I prefer at least a 3 star hotel (mind you some of those are not much better than hostels!). Also I am not a 'do anything for a story' kind of girl when it comes to travelling.  I know what I like and that is history & architecture... I loved the colonial buildings of Philadelphia, pretty much everything about London - St Paul's, Temple Church, Greenwich, Houses of Parliament etc and the pretty little villages with their own history throughout the South West of England.  When I went to the British Museum, it wasn't the Egyptian history that fascinated me as I thought it would be.. it was the Greek & Roman.

I guess that what I am saying is that whilst dreams are free, you need to be realistic about what it is you are dreaming about.  I am 40 years old and I am no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life than when I was 20. Sometimes it can be quite depressing watching family & friends discover their dreams and pursuing them but sitting back thinking "what is my dream?"  Don't get me wrong, I love that they have discovered what it is they want to do and a chasing that dream, but I just wish sometimes my dream would stand up and smack me in the face and say "Hey, you should be chasing me!"

Enough said really :)

So it's March and I have been back to Christchurch technically every month this year.  Two weeks in January for a friends wedding and I had an awesome time visiting old haunts - well those that were left!  Then a couple of weeks ago my mother had to have an operation - long story short, after two operations and various days in ICU she is on the mend, thankfully but it was touch & go there for awhile.  I ended up going back to Chch to visit mum and ended up staying two weeks.

This time however, whilst still a good time, I didn't go out too much.  Much of the time was spent at the hospital, home or family member's homes waiting for news.  I even felt bad going to the mall because I wasn't there to enjoy myself!

Dad's Lily 

One day we did go out was on the 23rd February - this was the 5th anniversary of my dad passing away.  My sister, niece, great niece and myself took a lily to dad's memorial plaque and then went to the Botanical Gardens for a picnic and to visit the Festival of Flowers.  We then met two of my brothers, sister in law & little nieces for a play at the playground and then dinner at their place.  All in all it was a great day despite the reason behind it. 

Peacock Feather

Pink Roses in the Roses Garden