My Hero

This is a story about a man... my hero... my dad

John Goldsworthy was born on 1 May 1924 - before the Great Depression, before WWII, before Sir Edmund Hilary conquered Mt Everest, Queen Elizabeth II was crowned, before TV, and before man walked on the moon.

He joined the Royal New Zealand Navy like so many at the time by lying about his age and served for over 30 years, active in WWII and the Korean War. He was also on scene helping during the Ballantynes Fire in November 1947. He was a member of the Masonic Lodge and served as an engineer on the Lyttelton Tug. He worked at Royal Insurance for about 20 years when he retired from the navy. He volunteered at a lot of places after he retired - most notably for the Police kiosk at Eastgate Mall and Seniornet - which he ended up running also.

He died on 23 February 2008, aged 83.

His greatest legacy was the family he had with my Mum, Anne Goldsworthy - 8 children, 14 grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren. Mum & Dad were married for nearly 52 years and we had celebrated their 50th Anniversary with a family weekend in early April 2006.

To me he was my dad... he was tough on me when I was a kid, sometimes I thought he was too tough!! We didn't always get on - in fact I think it's save to say we really had our problems. At the end of the day though, he was my dad. Things got better when I moved to Australia.. haha - not sure why. After that I would make an effort to go home for his birthday - even if I did use rugby as an excuse more than once. I always felt bad because I would always make a special effort to go home for his birthday (I missed 1 year since I had moved to Aussie), but I didn't for my mum's birthday - she and I both know though that I am and always will be a Daddy's Girl.

Since I moved to Australia my relationship with my dad got really close. After a family trip to Vietnam which my father couldn't attended, I made the effort to contact him more - this ended up being one of the lasting memories I have of my father. Every Saturday morning I would ring and we would speak for an hour or more about anything really - usually about the silly Australians, but he would tell me about his week and I would tell him about mine. It was such a ritual that he would actually answer the phone "Hello Sarah".. we would take another 10 or so minutes to say goodbye.. haha.... He would tell me that I didn't have to ring, but if I was a little late he would ask why. This is a ritual I now have with my mother :)

I tried to go home as much as I could in 2007 - I didn't know it was going to be the last year.. if I had would I have changed anything? I really can't answer that. I think its good that I didn't know - you can't control time. Dad's health had been slowly going down hill after a couple of strokes - one of which had left him with his right arm being of no use to him.. he was right handed so lost his ability to write and also couldn't drive... but did he let that stop him!!! He learnt to write with his left hand and he ended up getting his licence back after a lot of rehab. My dad wasn't one to sit back and let the winter of his life go by!! He learnt to use a computer by enrolling at Seniornet (a computer learning facility for seniors) and quickly became an invaluable member of the team there - going from fire warden to actually running the show - this was all in his late 70's - early 80's. My dad even got to the point where he was transferring his significant LP collection onto CD via the computer!! I can't even do that. He amazed me all the time with his abilities (even when it was frustrating to watch sometimes!!) but he did it all.

The last time I saw him was in January 2008. I had basically spent about 4 weeks in NZ, in Christchurch and travelling around the South Island. In that time my parents had sold the house that they had lived in for over 40 years - the house that I grew up in and had a lot of memories from. It was time for them to move on though - the house was too big for them to maintain and they needed to downsize. It was hard watching my parents throwing out and giving away a lot of those memories and a lot of history. I remember that moving day so well... the movers got there and we had assumed that they would do all the packing, unfortunately that wasn't the case. My niece Emma was there and so Kate, David's girlfriend (now wife) and we basically just got too it... sent Chris to his work to get newspapers and boxes and we worked so hard to get everything done.. Robert turned up at some stage too... we managed to get everything packed. Dad & I went to the lawyers to get the key and just the two of us went to the house to open it ready for the movers to come... We got there - dad asked what I thought as I went in and in all honesty I said it was home! I just felt right, it felt like their house - which was strange because I always thought of Avonside Drive as home... The movers came and the first things I got done were dad's pc & internet and the tv with Sky. He sat down in his chair and with boxes surrounding him watched tv... a lasting memory for me.

A couple weeks later I am talking to him on the phone in our normal weekly ritual and he told me that with the sale of the house there was enough money to buy mum a new car and to prepay their funerals.. my response: "Oh, so its actually happening then?" He responded as only my dad could: "Yes, but I have turned down a state funeral"... little did I know that exactly two weeks later I would get the phone call that changed my life.

5.15am 23rd February 2008 - just as I was thinking I would ring, NZ was 3 hrs ahead and my sister was there so I thought they would be up.. the phone rings and it is my sister telling me that my dad had passed away. I remember just going straight into shock and not really knowing what to say or do... she said that he went out as he would have wanted - bagging the dancers on So You Think You Can Dance Australia and then passing away in his sleep..

The hours that followed that phone call were the most surreal of my life (usually I have a problem with the word surreal but in this instance it was quite apt). I rang my niece and we had a bizarre conversation about that fact that she was going to a garage sale... the whole time I am thinking "I must charge my iPod for the train". I will never forget the uselessness I felt in the 3 days that followed while we were arranging to go home. I wanted to be in NZ with mum and one thing I regret is not getting on a plane that day. I think the shock stayed with me for two weeks... the funeral - despite dad turning down a state funeral was a very large affair - navy personnel, Returned Servicemen Association, friends and family (all 8 kids were there - 1st time in 27 years we had all been together!) from all over the country - over 200 people in all attended. He didn't want anyone to speak but it was decided that those he loved the most would speak - his grandkids... most of them talked about how dad would give them alcohol, there were jellybeans on the flag draped coffin and the Grand Old Duke of York was sung. We put poppies on his coffin and his six sons carried his coffin out to The Last Post...

This time of year is hard for me since he passed... ANZAC Day because the only ANZAC Day Parade I ever went to was with my dad and also because I can't here The Last Post without seeing that image of my brothers with dad's coffin; 1st May because it's my dad'd birthday - I aways made a big deal about it so now its hard to know what to do with myself.

It's hard to put into words how great a man my dad was... he was my dad, my teacher, my discipliner, he was my hero - there will never be another like him.

It's not my fault

I am an emotional person - I can't help it, its who I am. When I need to talk about something important it doesn't help that I am upset and the person I am talking to changes the subject... do you know how that makes me feel - its makes me feel like my feelings mean nothing and that what I am going through is not something that should even register with the other person.

I know they probably don't really want to talk about the situation either but how am I mean to move on when I just can't let go of the past because no one is letting talk through it. Everyone is different and I need to know that people understand how I am feeling and that this is not a very good time of the year for me.

Unfortunately everyone seems to be caught up in their own lives and don't see what is going on with other people. Sometimes I really feel worthless and that I don't even matter.