I am not entirely sure what is going on in this head of mine. I have so many things that I am worrying about right now and I am not sure which one is the most important - or should be the most important!!! Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is the fact that Monday is the first anniversary of my dad passing away - you know its funny, I can say "dad died" but I find it hard to actually type those words. The last twelve months have been some of the hardest I have had to deal with. I mean life goes on but you think about your parents passing away you think that life is over and how could you possibly carry on - well I did anyway. But no... you still have to go to work, pay the bills, talk to people - life doesn't stop because one person is no longer with us.... its just carries on and you have to carry on with it.

I am not sure if its coz I feel like a certain person is drifting away from me. Its been hard, she has been in a bad time of her life too but somehow I just feel like she is avoiding me and I am not really sure why. Of course I can't ask her coz she will deny it but its just a feeling I have.

It could be because my landlords are putting the place on the market and I am scared where that leaves me. Yes someone might come in and take over my tenancy but at the same time, they might not and I will have find somewhere else to live - which leads me into the whole "should I stay or should I go" saga. I am conflicted as to whether I should stay in Brisbane or follow my heart and move back to NZ. Its a really hard decision. I mean yes I have a good job here that is pretty well paid for what I do but you know what - money is not everything and right now I think I need real friends around me than a lot more money than I would get in NZ. Yes I have "friends" here - but they aren't real friends... its hard to have real friends in a place of over 1,000,000 people and you don't have a car. Sometimes I just want to go home coz Ithink its gonna be a lot simpler.

Or maybe is coz at the moment I dread coming home coz the toddler upstairs seems to do nothing but scream & cry... its really driving me insane.. sometimes I want to march up the stairs and just yell "WOULD YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY KID UP!!!!!!!!!!!" Haha.. man its just as well I don't have kids... oh and also they have wooden floors up there so every time I can here her running, throwing stuff on the ground. Sometimes it sounds like she has a brick and just drops it over and over and over and over and over again... if you get my drift!

Or it could be that I am just so jaded that I just need a real holiday... not something that I am going home for, not going home at all actually... I just want to get away for a couple of weeks and be away from everything and everyone...

Yes well thats real likely to happen anytime now!!!!